The opinions stated in this article are solely those of the author. 

Primary elections for city office are currently being held in numerous Davis County cities. Other communities with fewer candidates will send out ballots for a November election. Tagging along is the tradition of “Meet the Candidate” debate forums, all of which have something in common: attendance will be almost non-existent with those showing up comprised mostly of candidates’ spouses, campaign managers, and a few kooks who are bored watching “Gunsmoke” reruns.  

Trust me, very little new is derived from these meetings, and candidates invariably complain that the comments and questions have little to do with the duties of the elected office.

One such meeting in Davis County left some candidates shaking their heads. “If you were there, Cyclops,” said one, “I’d like to see how you would have handled it.”

I took up the challenge. Here are the questions asked – and how a City Council candidate should have responded:

QUESTION: “What religion are you?”

ME: “None of your damn business.  If your garbage is picked up on time, why would you care whether it’s a result of a Catholic, Hindu, or Pagan?”

QUESTION: “What are you going to do about pornographic books in our city library?”

ME: “Not read them! It’s pretty simple – and just because you think something is offensive doesn’t mean your neighbor does. Plus, books are chosen by the county library board, not the City Council.”

QUESTION: “Will you promise to keep the gun range open?”

ME: “The range is on county-owned property. Gee, I can’t control my own children, let alone control property someone else owns.”

QUESTION: “I’m tired of taxes going up. Will you stop any increases?”

ME: “Let’s be honest here…Our police officers and firefighters expect a pay raise. So do our park workers, road crews, and office staff. Heck, even Little League umpires need a few extra dollars in their pocket for putting up with insufferable parents. Most workers, you included, got raises and Social Security recipients got raises. We can’t receive a pay hike and expect city employees to declare work as a charitable donation.  I commit only to using tax dollars wisely. If another candidate says anything different, they’re lying to you.”

QUESTION: “Do you support or oppose the new state flag?”

ME: “I couldn’t care less. Like Gov. Cox says, display either one or both. It’s up to you.”

COMMENT FROM ANOTHER CANDIDATE: “I don’t care about the homeless. They’re all trying to scam the system. We owe them nothing.”

ME: “If you attended church last Sunday with that attitude, I’m surprised a lightning bolt didn’t hit your pew. Jesus had a different view of helping people in need – and between the two of you, I’ll side with Jesus.”

QUESTION: “What political party do you belong to?”

ME: “The City Council is non-partisan. We’re all citizens, not Republicans or Democrats. If elected, I’ll focus on fixing potholes, making sure snowplows have gas, improving public safety, and seeing that our city parks are well-maintained.  If you’re still concerned about my political affiliation, I’d suggest that you either not vote – or retake your high school civics class.”

Yes, that’s what I would say at a “Meet the Candidates” night – and that’s why I’d never get elected!

Bryan Gray, a longtime Davis County resident, is a former school teacher and has been a columnist for more than 26 years in newspapers along the Wasatch Front.