Struggles, dysfunction and difficulties may attach themselves to our lives but they do not determine who we are.  They may appear to be intimidating and fearful, even limiting, but they ultimately are beneficial.  They force us to examine where we’ve been, where we are, and what we hope to accomplish by managing or overcoming such self-defeating patterns.  Nothing is a more effective educational technique than finding ourselves in a painful and self-limiting course.  Eventually the pain will lead us to ask three basic questions: “Why am I choosing to remain on this course, what am I getting from it, and what do I want for the future?”  

The principles seem to be very clear:  Pain causes Change, Change causes Growth, and Growth causes Insight.  The odds for success in this continuum are undeniable.  Eventually, we will want something better.  If not now, then later;  until eventually, “later” becomes “now.”  It’s just a matter of time, no matter how long we have put life on hold; no matter how far we have wandered.  

Don’t give up and don’t give in.  We’ve been prepared to be a blessing in the lives of others.  Don’t be intimidated by fear, for fear is simply one type of adversity, and adversity will make us stronger.  Don’t live in the past.  Fear not.  Only believe.  Remember who we are.  We may seem to be “failing” but we’re not going to “fail!”  

Adversity is not a curse.  In fact, it is often in the midst of adversity that we develop our strengths.  So, don’t become intimidated.  In life we are either a light or a shadow:  a guide that assists others in discovering the path, or merely part of the confusion and darkness. This is a developmental process that often stops and starts and changes direction numerous times.  As a result of this process, we develop a variety of gifts that we take with us throughout life.  While some people seem to have more of these gifts than others, it would appear that the specific gifts we have are the necessary prerequisites which enable us to touch the lives of others. They unify and strengthen everyone who is touched by them.  These gifts are not just for our own use alone.  Sometimes we simply don’t trust ourselves to do so.

Life seems to provide us with a wealth of experience, and experience is a power that guides and directs our destinies.  It teaches that in one way or another, we have always managed everything that has happened to us in the past, and it gives us the confidence to believe that we will always be able to do so in the future.  But to be able to do so requires that we must learn to trust ourselves.  For unless we trust ourselves, it is virtually impossible to trust anyone else.  And yet, trusting  yourself goes far beyond that simple concept.  It means accepting the present moment for what it is, even though we don’t know for certain what may happen in the future.  Trusting yourself means allowing others to say what they may say, without feeling like you have to decipher all the hidden messages behind what they may say.  Trusting yourself means accepting yourself for what you really are, and having the confidence to believe that what you really are is what you will become.  What this means is that your real worth is something that far exceeds even your wildest imagination.  

Trusting yourself means accepting the fact that happiness is not an illusion, nor is it illusive, or beyond your reach.  Happiness is a natural bi-product of trusting yourself.  Trusting yourself means setting limits with yourself, setting boundaries with others, and setting realistic expectations, both for yourself and others.

Trusting yourself means making mistakes, learning from them, and rising above them.  Mistakes are not signs of inadequacy, but are a natural part of living and learning.  Trusting yourself is an essential preparatory step for managing the trials and challenges in life.  Without it, there would be hesitancy, mistrust, and ultimately, a lesser degree of happiness. Trusting yourself means allowing yourself to be alone, without the fear that you’ll be lonely forever; and allowing yourself to be involved with others, without having the fear that you’ll lose yourself in the relationship. 

Trusting yourself makes it possible to trust others, and that makes it possible to love them.  In essence, trusting yourself means having the courage to outgrow your previous self.  Trusting yourself means not waiting for an invitation to participate in life.  All too frequently, we allow the reactions of others to determine the choices we make. While this provides a sort of comfort and predictability, it impairs our ability to take charge of life.  And once this pattern becomes deeply embedded, it becomes difficult to break.  For that which becomes familiar becomes normal, even if normal is painful and limiting.

Trusting yourself means developing an attitude of gratitude.  This makes it possible to appreciate both the positive and the painful experiences in life, to benefit from the lessons they teach, and to grow from the maturity and insights they leave behind.  Specifically, it is not happiness that makes us grateful, but it is an attitude of gratitude that makes us happy.  Trusting yourself means recognizing that you are a part of everyone and everything.  You are not separate. You are never alone.  It is fear that makes you think you are alone.  Trusting yourself means accepting the fact that while life comes with uncertainty and anxiety, it also comes with the tools to manage them and to rise above them.

Trusting yourself does not mean having a fortress that protects you from all unfortunate events, but rather it provides the freedom and peace of mind to be able to face problems and difficulties with confidence and equanimity.  Trusting yourself means allowing yourself to dream, to rise above the limitations of your  limitations, to visualize who you are becoming, and to take an active part in the creation of that person. Trusting yourself means knowing the difference between your inner child and the adult.  Both are significant parts of who you are.  When you feel the inner child part of yourself, with all the feelings of helplessness and hopelessness, and when the old tapes try to convince you that you are not big enough, and when fear tries to overwhelm you and tell you that something terrible is about to happen, remember – you’re grown-up now.  

And finally, continue to remind yourself that trusting yourself means forgiving,  both yourself and those who failed to appreciate who you really were.  Forgiving others doesn’t let them off the hook.  It allows you to move on with your life in spite of them.  

Trusting yourself means forgiveness, and forgiveness means freedom. 

John Waterbury is a retired Clinical Mental Health Counselor who has lived in Utah since 1984 when he moved to Bountiful with his wife and four children. Since then, he has written a weekly column for several years for the Davis County Clipper titled “The Dear John Letters” which was also used throughout the Intermountain West focusing on addiction and mental health problems. This new column will focus on mental health and life management issues.