The opinions stated in this article are solely those of the author. 

A survey this month found that Utahns rank first in the nation for mental health illness, including the top five spot for adults considering suicide.

I was surprised, my suburban mind figuring that Utah – and Davis County especially – was a generally stress-free environment. But another result of the survey offered a plausible reason for the mental health statistics: “and 44.6% of parents report they aren’t coping well with the daily demands of raising children. That’s second only to Hawaii and 40% higher than the national average.”

Hey, nobody said child-raising was easy. From teething babies to restless tweens to at times scornful teenagers, the life course is riddled with forks and potholes and seemingly dead ends. This causes some parents to tear at their hair while others pay a visit to the closest Utah liquor store. But at the same time, nothing is quite as rewarding as herding a son or daughter through the aches and agonies of growing up.

To paraphrase the words of a character in a Fredrik Backman best-selling novel (“Anxious People”), “Have you ever held a three-year-old boy by the hand on the way home from preschool? You are never more important than you are then.”)

This doesn’t mean one cannot have a meaningful life without children (or grandchildren either). There is nothing sacramental about passing on one’s genes. For those who have children, you should never expect perfection; neither should you wish that they mimic your personality, career, politics, or worldview. The kid came through a birth canal, not from a cookie-cutter pan.

My wife and I revel in the exploits and adventures of our four children, all having chosen different careers fueled by their different personalities. One son is an entertainment writer, covering celebrities whose names I often can’t even pronounce. The other son is a world-traveling documentary filmmaker, up for Oscar consideration with productions focusing on medical and social issues in Africa, the Middle East and Latin America. One daughter has built a career in restaurant management, heading some of the most successful higher-end nightspots in Las Vegas. Another daughter is not only a veteran teacher in northern California, but also travels the country giving seminars on effective instruction methods.

All four have given us moments where we are scratching our heads (or sobbing into a pillow) over their choices. A few times I’ve been angry, but at all times I’ve been supportive. They live different lives than I did. I don’t want them to look in the mirror and see me; I want them to see themselves, flourishing and comfortable in their own skin. If I can help, great…I hope they ask. But they don’t need a lecture from me. I have made my own mistakes – and you have too!

The New York-born choreographer for Utah’s Pioneer Memorial Theater recently listed the many productions she has worked on across the United States. When asked to name her favorite productions, she was blunt: Her son Alexander and her daughter Emelia.

So, if you’re one of the nearly 45% of Utah parents who claim they aren’t coping well with child-raising, take a deep breath, open up your arms – then enjoy the journey, all the time confessing that you weren’t the easiest child either. 

Bryan Gray, a longtime Davis County resident, is a former school teacher and has been a columnist for more than 26 years in newspapers along the Wasatch Front.