When life doesn’t go the way we want it to, we often respond with questions like Why me?  Why now?  Why do I have to go through this?  But if we had greater insight, we would probably be more likely to ask: What am I supposed to learn from this?  What am I being prepared for?  How will the future be different as a result of what I’m experiencing right now?  And, How will I be able to use this experience to make a difference in the world? Our lives are being guided and coordinated in a manner that is sometimes difficult for us to comprehend.  But simply because we don’t fully understand this process, it does not negate the fact that there is really purpose and reason and wisdom in life.  Depression falls into this category.

Depression seems to be the result of a complex interaction between certain genetic tendencies and predispositions, combined with thinking patterns we develop as we define a variety of painful life-events.  But things are not always what they might appear to be.  Life seems to be miraculously filled with a wide variety of situations whose only purpose is to create our destiny.  And the thinking patterns, or habits of explanation that we develop from dealing with these situations tend to help each of us develop a perception of either helplessness, or hopefulness, pessimism or optimism.

It is not simply a painful sequence of events that causes depression, but rather, it appears to be our perception of those events.  Perception develops the ease or difficulty with which we make life-management decisions.  In essence, it creates our reality.

While life generally inflicts similar levels of pain and problems on just about everyone, optimists tend to see these obstacles as stepping stones which strengthen them and enables them to rise to a higher level.  The pain is still there, but optimists tend to see the obstacles as something that can be managed.  Pessimists tend to see the obstacles as stumbling blocks that may appear to be overwhelming.   

The Law of Accommodation states that what life requires, it creates.  In other words, when we are repeatedly confronted with increasing periods of instability and mind-boggling confusion, a variety of survival skills materialize.  Ironically, emotional numbness, denial, avoidance and isolation become purposeful as we try to use them to protect us, and a rigid defensiveness makes it difficult to even consider new information.  When we’re used to thinking wrong, then what’s really right seems really wrong.  That’s why, initially, a change in thinking patterns will not change the way you feel.  Healing takes time.  Remember, get a therapist, and talk to your doctor.

Survival skills seem to be a logical attempt to cope with an illogical situation.  Training and preparation are essential if these patterns are to be successfully used. These patterns must be deeply ingrained in our psyche beforehand.  They don’t just appear.  And because we are in the midst of crisis situations fairly frequently, they become inextricably linked to our success.  As a result, there is a tendency to believe that the “real self” is a combination of, “brokenness”:  unlovable, abandoned, victimized, confused, and maybe even a little crazy.  Preparation breeds confidence in the face of instability.

When we’re raised in an environment of instability and pain, there’s a tendency to accept these variables as normal, invariably trusting the dysfunction, and hesitating to let it go.  The abnormal becomes normal, despair becomes reality, and the perception of helplessness and hopelessness creates the illusion that “this is as good as it gets.” But don’t believe it.

It may sound like a play on words, but the ultimate goal in recovery is not to change yourself or anyone else.  It’s to make new choices that are more successful than the previous ones.  And with new choices, changes will occur on their own.  Such a process does not occur all at once, but comes in bits and pieces.  We only change what hurts.  And until it hurts long enough and hard enough that we can’t ignore it, numb it, or run from it, we tolerate it because we really don’t know how not to do what we’re doing.  That’s not an excuse.  That’s just the way it is with human behavior.  Crossing the boundaries of belief, and going beyond the apparent darkness can be upsetting, but as they say, there’s more to the story.  

I’m an optimist!  Always have been.  Life seems to work better that way.  I’ve tried pessimism to cope with the uncertainty of life but the results were sadly disappointing.  So, with that in mind, let me share some basic ideas that tend to help us through the challenges.

• It will all work out.  Of course, it will all work out, but only if we are vigilant as we grow beyond where we’ve been.  So, don’t worry so much.  Identify the course you’re on, keep what works, and get rid of the patterns that have disappointing results.  Sounds pretty simple to me.  And the really good part of this philosophy is that we get to choose our course.  The same dynamics pertain to depression.  We can rise above it and become stronger in the process.

• Granted, at this point in life, we are where we are because we’ve chosen this course, even with depression.  This can be the beginning of recovery.  In time, our choices tend to get better, less painful, and less disappointing.  But no one is forcing us to be happy.  Friends may help us along the path, and family members may refuse to give up on us because they want something better for us. So, hang in there.  Look for the good.  It’s everywhere.

• The world really hasn’t changed much, except for indoor plumbing, electric lights, cars, trucks, mattresses, inoculations, doctors, telephones, radios, TV…..OK, a lot of things have changed!  And so have we.  Just remember, the best is yet to come.  Recovery means looking for the beauty, and deciding to integrate its principles.  

• We can’t do it for someone else.  So, when others seem to have chosen a different course, love them anyway, be patient, don’t push.  We all have a tendency to grow up.  Unfortunately, some of us have to experience a little more pain along the course.

• Life may seem unfair at times, especially with depression.  Others may seem to have more “things” than we do, and everything may seem to be out of reach, but the “game” isn’t over just yet.  Focus on your own life.  Work hard, reach out to get the help you need.  Give to those who need it, and help those who are down.

• Accept the fact that life comes with some ups and downs, but even depression can be treated successfully.  Uncertainty is a hassle, and the good times don’t seem to last long enough.  But they circle back around in time.  Watch for them.  Share them with friends and family.

• Be optimistic.  I’ve found that optimism doesn’t stop painful times, especially depression, but it makes it easier to move through the process.  Everything is a process!

• Forgive everyone everything.  Life works better when we do.  Don’t quit on yourself, your family, your friends, or anyone else that needs our help.

Life is good.  Unfortunately, depression seems to want you to give up.  Don’t do that.  And when you do, get up as quickly as possible.  Life is purposeful.  Keep yourself healthy.  Share your dreams.  Move forward.  Don’t quit.  Dream your biggest dream, and then do what it takes to bring it to fruition.  Find ways to make a difference.  Talk to your Doctor.  Talk to your friends.  Talk to a therapist.  Don’t quit!    

John Waterbury is a retired Clinical Mental Health Counselor who has lived in Utah since 1984 when he moved to Bountiful with his wife and four children. Since then, he has written a weekly column for several years for the Davis County Clipper titled “The Dear John Letters” which was also used throughout the intermountain West focusing on addiction and mental health problems. This new column will focus on mental health and life management issues.