The problems we encounter in life and the pain that results from them often enable us to discover a variety of unique, personal characteristics, the accumulation of which helps us to define both ourselves and the world around us.  And because this is a dynamic process in which everything is always in transition, it seems clear that we become either the creator of our perception, or the victim of it.

I’ve come to believe that most of us will behave maturely, logically, and rationally, but not until we have exhausted every other possible alternative.  In this process, we learn to be happy, we choose to be happy, or not.  Very simply, being happy and healthy means recognizing that ultimately, we’re in charge of our lives, we’re responsible for the choices we make.  Being unhealthy means that we have no choices.  And when we practice being unhealthy, we usually find ourselves running from, and being confronted by, the very things we were trying to avoid.

Unfortunately, sometimes we become so unhealthy that we become disconnected from self, from our feelings and strengths.  And even worse, we become disconnected from others, from their love and support; disconnected from God, from the ultimate source of healing and strength.  When we’re disconnected, we have only our own resources to draw from.  And when our well goes dry, which it invariably will, it can be terrifying.

Ironically, in spite of these problems, we become highly resistant to making changes, even when it is clear that the course we’re on is filled with pain and confusion.  And as we continue to practice what it takes to stay on this self-defeating course, we become imprisoned by our fears and paralyzed by the belief that the cell door which imprisons us is controlled by someone else and that it can never be reopened.  In reality, the door was never locked.  Life should be filled with experiences, not indecision, hesitation, or excuses.  But when emotional paralysis settles in with a stranglehold that distorts perception, there is no opportunity for the inspiration and emancipation that comes from the conditions of mortality.  Our strengths and weaknesses are developed by the manner in which we face these conditions.  In essence, they make us different, and different is good, because we must be different from the world in order to make a difference in the world. These are the experiences that help to define who we are. These are the experiences that remind us that we are more than we have become.  So, what are we supposed to do?  Maybe the best option is to break our lives down into some simple steps, and then take one step at a time. 

Step one: Identify the negative forces in life.

It would appear that there is a wide variety of forces that almost seem as if they have a life and 

mind of their own, and they affect us in unique ways.  Some of the more common forces include: shame, confusion, frustration, pain, fear, embarrassment, sadness, worry, jealousy, depression, and disappointment.  Any one of these forces, if not understood and managed, is capable of making life miserable and out of balance for everyone.  

Step two: Redefine our perception:

This process begins when we understand that life is simply a series of classes that are designed to teach certain lessons, clarify certain principles, and encourage the development of insight and depth.  Each of the forces mentioned above is a class; Anxiety 101, Confusion 101, Disappointment 101, 102, 103, etc.  There will be homework assignments, mid-terms, and final exams, and it’s already too late to drop any of the classes.  We have to complete them.  This realization can be overwhelming if we consider the depth and breadth of our responsibilities.

Step three: Take charge of the process.

Decide to manage life rather than be controlled by it.  Reduce it to the simplest terms and ask a couple of questions:  What are we supposed to learn from this lesson? and, What is the objective of this class?  In this manner, as we reframe the problem, we stop being victimized by it.  Instead, as we reframe the responsibilities associated with it, our confidence will expand and our future will be more well defined.

Step four: Start with the basics.

A foundation of three specific elements must be constructed in order to build solid emotional bridges between the uncertainty of the past and the stability of the present in order to restore peace of mind and control.  Next, redirect the powerful psychological rivers of hopelessness and powerlessness with a new philosophy of life to provide balance and integrity, as we establish internal levies to provide boundaries and support. 

Step five: Redefine success.

Success in life must be measured more by contribution than accumulation; more by what we give than by what we gain.  In this manner, as we touch the lives of others, it will help us to discover a wide variety of unique characteristics that may not have been previously recognized.  Without this process, there will undoubtedly be inner turmoil and a diminished capacity to appreciate the beauty that surrounds us. 

Step six: Decide to love life.

As William James once wrote, “the greatest use of life is to spend it on something that will outlast it,” (End quote).  With this in mind, if we fail to love life, we will undoubtedly fall short of our ultimate goal, which is to discover that both significance and happiness are an active process.  And since life seems to love those who love life, we need to live as if our life depends on it…because it does.   

John Waterbury is a retired Clinical Mental Health Counselor who has lived in Utah since 1984 when he moved to Bountiful with his wife and four children. Since then, he has written a weekly column for several years for the Davis County Clipper titled “The Dear John Letters” which was also used throughout the intermountain West focusing on addiction and mental health problems. This new column will focus on mental health and life management issues.