One of my favorite philosophers is Louis L’ Mour. In his writings, the good guy always wins, hard work and sacrifice always pay off, and the hero always rides off into the sunset with his horse. It sounds almost too good to be true! On one occasion he wrote: Up to a point, a man’s life is shaped by environment, heredity, and movements and changes in the world about him. But there comes a time when it lies within his grasp to shape the clay of his life into the sort of thing he wishes it to be (end quote).

To comprehend our strengths and weaknesses, and to understand how we can use those characteristics to rise above our past and create a new future, leads to our ability to create an energy in these words that allows us to move beyond our past. And in this manner, it even creates a hope that our future is directly related to these concepts.

The following principles, statistically, set us up for success, and they are some of the basics in life management and marital happiness.

To begin this process, we need to grow up emotionally and eliminate unrealistic expectations of what marriage consists of. Marriage, by itself, will not protect you from the challenges of life, nor will it make you happy, simply because you showed up to say “I Do.” Marriage requires responsibility, and these challenges are not always shared equally. Accept that, and don’t be afraid to give 95%, when necessary. 

To appreciate who we really are, and to see ourselves from a healthy point of view, requires that we clearly define our purpose and expectations early in marriage. Otherwise, we’re going to be significantly shocked when we discover that responsibilities are not always shared equally, and that there will be numerous occasions when we realize that going the extra mile is central to our role for success.  

The reality is that marriage requires responsibility, especially when it is clear that responsibility is not always shared equally. So, accept that, and move on. Remember – your spouse also has expectations.

The fact is that both you and your spouse have different needs at different times, and it helps to work through the emotional issues, one step at a time. Our primary goal in managing effective marital communications is not only to free yourself from confusion, but to understand your own limitations.  The solution is to rise above your past, and to talk out your problems with your spouse. Learn to comprehend your strengths and weaknesses in order to rise above your past, and then create a new future which enables both you and your spouse to grow into new and improved patterns and expectations.   

John Waterbury is a retired Clinical Mental Health Counselor who has lived in Utah since 1984 when he moved to Bountiful with his wife and four children. Since then, he has written a weekly column for several years for the Davis County Clipper titled “The Dear John Letters” which was also used throughout the intermountain West focusing on addiction and mental health problems. This new column will focus on mental health and life management issues.  λ