It would appear that there are many parts to who we are. Some are carefree and some are not. Some parts are very positive and some are not. But fortunately, our positive parts seem to help us set a course for “Home.” The reality is that most people are doing the best they can, but maybe where they are is as good as it gets for the time being. Still, I am optimistic that where we are, as a whole, is good enough for now. We’ve made it through the past, and I’m optimistic enough to look to the future. 

The future is an interesting concept. It includes how we tried to appear to our parents; how we tried to appear to our friends; how we tried to appear to our spouse; and even, ways we learned to hide from ourselves. It’s also interesting how we restrict information that might prove difficult to maintain the course we’re on for the present. Many people may have attempted to intervene in our self-defeating paths, but until we’re ready to take responsibility for our lives, it may be difficult to alter our thoughts, feelings, and perceptions. And that’s where risks come into the picture.

It would appear that the things we want to hear the least are the things we need to hear the most. But then again, timing is everything. And in many cases, we’re capable of tolerating a great deal of pain, even if others are trying to reach us with caring techniques and love. It all goes back to risks and rewards. When someone is willing to tolerate an unusually large amount of pain, even though it is clearly based on self-defeating thoughts and behaviors, it’s often difficult to get through to them. Pain is usually the main element that encourages an individual to alter his or her course. Unfortunately, by the time they are willing to alter their course that leads to insight and maturity, they may find that any other path may be difficult to follow.

So, what is the key to success? Very simply, the key to happiness and insight is to “be willing.” But that’s easier said than done, and often takes time for the individual to want the happiness that their family and society wants for them. But not always.

To be willing to look beneath the surface of outward appearances is often the first step, even though the pain associated with the self-defeating behavior is intolerable.

To be willing to understand the thoughts, feelings, and motives of others often takes a lot of pain to get through their self-defeating perception, for always, they will have their reasons.

To be willing to take time to appreciate the connection between heart and mind is a good place to start, even when mistakes have been made.

To be willing to respond to “the corrective realignments” in life. These are some of the mistakes, or minor course corrections that will become some of your greatest teachers.

To be willing to enjoy the exhilaration of success and endure the agony of defeat, for they will teach lessons that only they can teach.

To be willing to continue to search for meaning and purpose in chaos, for they will lead to the development of insight and clarity.

To be willing to strive for balance and guidance, rather than external dependency, for dependency on others always leads to sadness and disillusionment.

To be willing to commit to the exploration of the unknown, without fear or anxiety, is the goal that leads to insight and growth.

To be willing to create, and revise as necessary, a variety of worthy goals, for whatever you dream of, and focus upon, will be realized in your life.

Yes, life is a challenge, but there is light at the end of the tunnel.  

John Waterbury is a retired Clinical Mental Health Counselor who has lived in Utah since 1984 when he moved to Bountiful with his wife and four children. Since then, he has written a weekly column for several years for the Davis County Clipper titled “The Dear John Letters” which was also used throughout the intermountain West focusing on addiction and mental health problems. This new column will focus on mental health and life management issues.  λ