In life, things don’t always go smoothly. We’re all aware of these dynamics, and sometimes we simply give-up after meeting with a series of frustrating events that seemed to go on forever. In my case, I was 12 years old and my friend Rusty and I were invincible riding my bike with Rusty on the handlebars as we headed for town.  

I don’t remember what happened next, but Rusty was killed instantly, when an 18 wheeler collided with us. I had a fractured skull and numerous broken bones, but I ended up in the hospital, unconscious for 10 days, and much to my chagrin, I lived. My dad, who was a veterinarian, had been killed in a motorcycle accident two years before. My Mom, who had only a 10th grade education was deeply depressed and emotionally overwhelmed, but she had the emotional support of our Church members and other friends, and to some degree, they helped her to manage the crisis, at least I would like to think so!

As for me, my brain wasn’t working well. I didn’t have the maturity to fully comprehend what had happened. Slowly, my Mom told me, and I was lost. How could a 12-year-old kid understand? Depression, confusion, anger, guilt, hopelessness, and an emptiness that I was certain would never go away. I wanted to curl up and wakeup, since I was sure that the whole issue was just a bad dream, but there was no waking up!

Slowly, I began to comprehend what had happened, but that didn’t help! So, I tried to simply move on.       

As the years passed, I found that in playing basketball, somehow that led me into becoming a college basketball player. I was surprised about this, since playing basketball somehow allowed me to move on. I went to a junior college and then I got a scholarship to play in a college in Arkansas. From there I went on to be a counselor in the Army, and that led me into the field of professional counseling.  

My advice to people who were uncertain about their future was to teach them to expect the best and to make their future into what they would like it to be. Don’t try to coast to the top, I said. Set your course, and paddle, paddle, paddle. The world, I told them, would accept whatever choice they decided on, winner or loser, so I emphasized that they were in charge of their future. For me, it was therapy. I found out that faith was not about everything turning out OK. Instead, I finally realized that faith was about being OK no matter how things turned out. That concept made it possible to grow beyond the past.

I emphasized that we need to judge ourselves by our best day, not our worst.  Undoubtedly, this world is unfolding as it should, and we are able to manage it in one way or another. Pain is purposeful and useful, since it enables us to move on with our lives. Feelings are necessary, even in the most difficult situations. Stuffing them doesn’t make them go away, it just prolongs the healing process. It’s OK to feel! In fact, feelings are preparatory for a healthy life. Don’t run from them.

Hopefully, we will be appreciated for who we are, what we accomplish, and what we can share with those around us. Life is preparatory, and we are part of something much greater than ourselves. One of the keys for this process was to learn to manage the fears and the uncertainties in life. Very simply, fight through the fears in life and develop strengths and abilities. We are all different from each other, and we each have been given certain gifts and abilities that enable us to make a unique contribution to life. There are numerous types of living that enable us to reach out to those around us. We can dare to reach out, and because we are unique, we are capable of making a unique addition to others. This process enables us to feel the feelings and change the thoughts. All of these characteristics make it possible to strengthen those around us without losing any of our own significance. We can teach and love and reach out to others as we discover our new roles in life. In this manner, we are all capable of discovering our own patterns and predilections. All of us are capable of reaching out to others and making a difference.  Over our lifetimes, we grow into who we are capable of becoming.

In this process of becoming and developing and interacting with others, we become a part of the whole, and still we are to maintain our unique characteristics. And because of this uniqueness, we can face adversity and difficulties in ways that strengthen ourselves and the group. In this manner, everyone benefits.

And another important principle is that we can start our day over any time that we decide.  We can change our course. We can grow beyond our past. We can change our focus and our successes. We can decide to be passionate or alone. Each of these dynamics can literally make it possible to move beyond our old patterns, our old addictions, and our old hopes and dreams. In fact, as we can move out of our old comfort zones, we can find meaning in our lives, and significance in our existence.

We can ask ourselves “What am I practicing that doesn’t work?” And then we can change our course if we decide to do so. We can choose to practice what we want, and we can choose to stop our old patterns, and choose a new direction. We can choose to not practice what doesn’t work. We can allow ourselves to practice compassion and kindness without fear of losing ourselves or being taken advantage of. We can decide to set a new course, simply because we have reached a point that we are capable of managing both the past and the present.  

John Waterbury is a retired Clinical Mental Health Counselor who has lived in Utah since 1984 when he moved to Bountiful with his wife and four children. He wrote a weekly column for several years for the Davis County Clipper titled “The Dear John Letters” which was also used throughout the intermountain West focusing on addiction and mental health problems. This column focuses on mental health and life management issues.  λ